Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Bits and pieces

I feel like I've made like 10 new friends in the last year, and the more I hang out with groups of women, the more people I'm meeting all the time. As an introvert, this kind of stresses me out. I hate to admit this, but I will probably not try to learn your name until I've met you 6 times, because so many introductions are for a one-time meeting. Even after 3 meetings, I'm skeptical about whether I'm ever going to see you again.

If you make it to the 6-times threshold for when I will learn your name, it will still probably be months before I try to meet with you one on one. I just don't connect with people very quickly. I take a long time to warm up to others, and even if you are a share-bear telling me everything about your life from who your first grade teacher was to that thing your husband does that really annoys you, it doesn't mean you're going to get my trust as easily. Which is kind of bizarre, because it's not like I'm hiding anything. Nor do I really even care what you think about me. (I'm the jerk who didn't even want to learn your name.) It's just friendships and relationships are such an investment, of energy and memory space. And I have a very poor memory. If I let you in, that's one more 90s rap song whose lyrics I am going to forget.

So in my crockpot style of warming up in a relationship, I really only learn about people slowly, in bits and pieces. Which in turn makes it much harder to remember the details with the right person (when you're meeting a lot of new people), because I still don't have an overall framework for understanding who you are. So far, all I know are the buckshot-sprayed details of your quirks. And sometimes these little details can be the real essence of who we are, but if you don't have an overall understanding of who that person is, they all seem random. The parts do not always equal the sum total of a person.

I have no solution here. This is just an observation. And an apology if I have a puzzled look on my face when you start talking to me--I might still be trying to remember your name, and whether your husband leaves kitchen cabinets open or if you obsess over having a spotless bathroom.

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